I'm desperately struggling emotionally lately. I've been in search of a Counselor or Therapist or someone to talk to. I've met with someone from American Cancer Society, I've called Friends for Life, LLS, Online Support Groups, Look Good Feel Great, Massage, Jin Shin Jyustu, BG Family Health. You name it, I've been looking. I had an appointment with a Phsycologist but I didn't know her appointments were only 30 minutes - I was just getting started! LOL I also didn't know she couldn't prescribe anything. She sent me to my Family Doctor. Ok - I just cried my eyes out to you and you're asking me to now go to another facility/doc/appt/copay for medication? Does everyone but me realize that the one whom I'm asking for help from can't help me? Ugh...it's been so frustrating.
I found a little book that I LOVE! It's called "There's no place like Hope" and it is written by a cancer patient and I found it to be very 'real'. It inspired the following that I wrote:
"You've invaded my body, it's comfirmed.
You've broken my heart like no other before you.
You've left my mind screaming in anguish and my Spirit hanging by a thread.
Even broken and poisoned, these are still mine, you can't have them
My Soul Belongs to Me."
I wake up crying sometimes. Well, I'm not crying when I first wake up, but it's like the light comes on and I suddenly remember just what I'm up against. The only time I'm not afraid is when I'm asleep. I'm afraid that everyday for the rest of my life will be a struggle just to get through. And if I give up, take a break or am not 100% on my guard, it will sneak back in and win. I'm afraid it can outlast me.
Let me tell you about my Jin Shin Jyustu massage. It's healing touch and rebalancing energy through touch. I very much enjoyed it. My instructor Jennifer told me that I had alot of vitality in my energy. That brought a tear to my eyes, it was like someone telling me it was going to be okay, or that I had enough strength to endure this. Later that night, I missed dinner (not intentionally) and took my Gleevec on an empty stomach. I knew better, but thought I would eat soon enough and it would be ok. I vomited like no other that night! Violently vomiting - it was wierd. I wondered if all my nervous bad energy came out of me like a volcano! The next couple of days, I wasn't quite myself - more fatigued than usual. I'm not what it was if anything, but something sure happened physically that day! I'm very much aware of what my mind and body are telling me and know that if I don't listen, I'm in big trouble. Vitality, endurance are big motivators, but fear is the biggest of all.
