I'm learning alot this week about myself. I have had to travel to Chicago for work for a full week and it is really only the second time I've been away from home since. I'm nervous and anxious to be myself and do what I need to do for work, to prove that I am still capable of my responsibilities - to prove that I am still effective in my role. Just simply being me is a lot of stress. That may sound silly, but when you wake up at 6am to a fat face, swollen eyes and sheet marks all over your face and body. I shower and get dressed, do a few emails, grab some coffee and head to my meeting. I've done the best I could with my hair and make up. I walk in the room holding my head high until I see the reaction on my co-workers faces to my appearance. I try to ignore them, to pretend nothing is wrong. Some of these folks I haven't seen in months, some don't know what's happened. I know that my looks are more noticeable to me than to anyone else and I have never been so self-aware in my whole life. The hair that ended up on the small hotel bathroom floor was enough to cry over, but I'm here doing my best to sound normal and familiar - Good Morning - I say to my team, smile and find a seat.
To stop and allow "life" to go on around me is really hard. To try to pretend that I'm OK even tho' I look very "off", it's exhausting. I feel as tho' I've just walked into a room completely naked.
There is nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, nowhere to not be seen.
I do this all week long, feeling strong and proud that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Does my appearance play a role in my relationships? Do others look at me at not my best, something's wrong, she musn't feel well, she looks tired, she can't handle the job?? I can do this, I'm the same person, I still have the same skillset, I am competent, I am still Lynne. I must make them believe me. I try not to look in mirrors, but that is impossible. There is always a piece of hair that needs a new place, or a foundation touch up that needs attention. I have never in my 44years carried make up with me - maybe powder or the basics, but now I am carrying all of it. That is not me, but I cannot let myself be natural, which is unnatural in my world.
Alone at night and I cry. Not necessarily our of self pity, but sometimes out of sheer exhaustion - I can't wait to be alone again - I can't wait to go unnoticed, I can't wait to be just me.
