Gone but not forgotten

Well it's been awhile since I've written and I've got alot of catching up to do. 
On May 20, 2011 my doctor has officially ruled that I am in REMISSION!  YAY!  Wow.  Crazy deep deep dark emotions that have been lifted off my shoulders.  Incredible ride for the past 5.5 months.  The medication, Gleevec, has been working it's magic, even my doctors are impressed with how quickly we got this under control.  whew....

About the same time we got that news, I found a counselor that I liked and was given anti-depressants.  I'm feeling 1000 times better!!  It seems like almost every worry went away when I heard the R word.  Now I can settle in, understand that it is a marathon not a sprint.  Even tho' it is a lifelong illness, I can trust and try to relax knowing that I am OK.  For now, I am OK.  If the drug stops working or something reverses my progress, well I'll worry about that when I have to.  For now, I can attempt to get back to normal.  I am smiling once again.

I wouldn't be Lynne if I didn't still have some demons talking to me and keeping my head full of negative thoughts, but I am fighting those with everything I've got.  Cancer is not winning this, I am.  Cancer cannot take my life right now, I'm still using it.

Now if I could get a few other things back in line with normal, I'd be happy.  Some might say that I'll never be happy, that I'll always find something to complain about.  Maybe, maybe not.  Is life about striving for perfection or your perception of it.  Is life is about dealing with what's in front of you, what is on your plate at that given moment, what's been dealt to you.

One area of concern is my self confidence and intimacy.  I look like an alien in the mornings with swollen puffy eyes.  I can wake up totally charged and ready for the day until I see myself.  I dyed my own hair.  It went from red to brown to orange.  I'm pale as a ghost.  I am bruising more easily (which is a big deal for me since I bruised easily before cancer).  So I'm feeling fine, strong, healthy and happy.  Then I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or a car window and it's like I'm looking at a different person.  I look tired and dreary.  I look weary and worn out, washed out.  My hair is some see through strange new color and my eyes are baggy and my face seems to weigh 10 pounds.  I've aged 10 years in less than 6 months. 
Healthy - check
Happy - working on it
Pretty - not so much

But what can I do - stay at home?  No, that's not me.  I do whatever I used to do for the most part.  Looks don't matter, right?  I'm getting used to the eyes - sunglasses help alot and mornings are the worst.  Staying at home and hiding has been comforting to me though.  There are alot of times that all I want to do is play slots on the computer and be by myself.  In some instances it is easier to be alone that to do what everyone else is doing, which is getting drunk.  It's been a really rainy spring coming off a really dreary and cold winter.  We haven't had much sun at all.  I bought a month's worth of tanning sessions yesterday.  This is totally not me.  I hate tanning beds and refuse to pay for them for the girls, who love them.  I figured a month's worth of tanning wouldn't hurt  - I have cancer already.  Lol.  Besides people always look healthier with a tan and I desperately need some color.

So everything is on the right path to be getting back to normal with me and I'm beginning to try to understand and close the gap that has wedged in between me and my husband.  We seem to be tip toeing around each other, not really talking, more avoiding the issues than address them.  This is typical in our relationship anyway.  I need to talk things out (one big reason for starting this blog) and he likes to ignore difficult conversations until they just simply disappear.  Things have certainly changed me since 12/7/10 and I'm sure he's been affected too, though he doesn't like to discuss it.  My self confidence has taken a big hit, my physical appearance has changed, my outlook on life is different, my priorities are different and I'm finding comfort in being alone instead of being with him.  He is extremely social and needs his friends and I try very hard to let him be himself.  The problem is when we are together, we don't know how to act with each other anymore.  Intimacy means different things to us.  Emotional intimacy will bring physical intimacy for me and he doesn't seem interested in investing the time I need to connect with me emotionally again.  We are not good talkers together. We are on different planets.  Now that I'm in remission, things should be back to normal sexually, right?  I don't feel sexual or even attractive for that matter.

I've always been a jeans and tshirt kinda girl and I don't find it necessary to dress to impress.  Knowing my husband, and most men, they like to see women all dressed up nice and sexy.  I do try to wear something nicer than just my usual.  Unless I look exceptional, the dressed nicely, but not over the top doesn't seem to garner much notice.  When you don't feel attractive and are surrounded by fake boobs and desperate housewives it's pretty hard to keep someone's attention.

He has been doing a terrific job lately of making time for me, coming home after work, going out to eat, being "here".  But isn't that what husbands and fathers are supposed to do?  What are wives and mothers supposed to do?  Why would you expect praise because you came straight home from work?  Why does doing the right thing mean earning points?
Zero libido for me, zero.  Not sure if it's a factor of age, medication, emotion, confidence,resentment, disappointment, disgust.  Probably a combination of all - a recipe for lack of interest.  Guaranteed.
Seems like there are two place I flip flop to in my marriage.  People tell me how very much he loves me and I do believe that.  I decide to go with it, to dive back in and be happy, to trust that he understands.  Something happens and I'm heartbroken.  Mad at myself for being so gullable...again.  So I go the other direction and become more guarded, cautious maybe even distant.  There goes the intimacy, emotional and physical.  The balance is somewhere in the middle and I'm having a hard time finding it, or keeping it when I do find it.
So who am I now that I have cancer?  Where did Lynne go?  How do I get her back - without the baggage?  Where do I put the baggage when I'm not wallowing in it?  Why do I prefer to be alone, but feel sad and left out when I am?  Where is the balance, middle ground?  Why am I still able to sob deeply so easily.  Give me 2 seconds and I'm a waterfall...still.  Why do I feel the need to protect myself?  Protection from people that have hurt me and people that have never hurt me.  Protection from an illness that I can't control?  I can't stop it - if it wants to come back, it will.  How can something have so much power over someone?  Remission means gone but not forgotten.  Remission means learning to leave the baggage in the basement.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes.....

Why is it that I'm so easily disappointed in some people when they do or don't do what I think is the right thing to do?  Who am I to say that my morals, standards or opinions are the "right" way?
Why do we get upset when we feel let down by someone? Why can't people change for other people when you ask numerous times for them to act differently because their actions are upsetting you?  What does it mean about your relationships when someone isn't willing to compromise?  Why do those being asked to change think that they've done everything in their power to honor your wishes, yet you feel as they've done nothing.  Must be something more to the relationship than you thought.  Or is it something less?
Why does cancer make you feel less whole?  Why do you feel vulnerable, helpless, even so cautious and guarded that you become less trusting of people?  Why is every single thing in your life suddenly a big deal?  Where did my self confidence go?  All the changes you need to make just to survive take all the normalcy out of your life and everyone one else goes on as if the bump in the road is over, while you keep a safe distance to protect yourself from what you don't know or can't understand, but now controls you.  People say that now it's a good time to be a little selfish.  You don't always get what you give, yet no one likes a selfish person.  Why do I deserve to have people behave the way I need them to - do I have that right?  Or is this about control or loss of it?  Make sure your safety wall has a bridge. Mine happens to be a small one.