The past couple of weeks have been pretty good. At first, I thought I felt the reduction in meds right away and was very excited! It seemed that I felt "Lighter", had a little more pep in my step, and just in general had a very happy feeling. That didn't last long. Within 10 days, my face and hands swelled up like balloons while we were at Bristol. I knew it would be a long hard weekend, but I wanted it. Spending fun times with 18 of your closest friends camping, talking, eating, drinking....what could be better? By Sunday afternoon, I was spent. I layed down while everyone was cooking dinner and didn't get back up until 8am - about 15 hours of swollen sleep!
Back home it only took a day for my hands to return to normal size, but since then, my eyes are as swollen as ever and I'm feeling very fatigued. It's about all I can do to get through the week....then crash! I almost can't wait for evening so I can lay down or just veg out on the couch.
Finding my new normal has been hard. The difference in one day to the next is so random, I don't know whether I can face my day with confidence or if I need to hide behind Jackie O glasses!! If I have a really big day the next couple are recovery days for sure. I can't find my balance.
One thing is for certain - I am feeling better. The emotion sometimes comes from exhaustion - mentally and physically. Pretending you are fine is alot of work. Behind closed doors I like to breakdown and cry, even if it's only for 5 minutes, it's a form of release. The kind of release that you can't perform in public everytime you need to. It's that time for me to say, Okay, relax, no one is watching you and you can let go now.
Wondering where my inner strength is coming from. Will it run out? Relying on it is depleting it - be strong so you don't waste it. Will I have to fight each and every week for the rest of my life just to live? Do I have the strength to do that?
One day at a time. Be patient. Be still and know.
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